Hello, and welcome to another round of news from the Stale Grapes News Network, or the fake news that could be real. This week, more shocking things happen and back to school week commences. Now for three news headlines for you to make you think:
School Year‘s Resolution rises among high schoolers
In what has become an increasing disturbing trend, high school students from around the United States are making “the school year resolutions”. Many of these resolutions range from “wear nicer clothing” to “keeping my mouth shut in class” and even the clearly shocking “stop being a loser“. These resolutions, far from helpful, are actually harming our high schools students and devaluing their lives even further, as if television and video games has already devaluated their lives enough.
“I don’t know what has become of my son,” says Leanne Williamson, the mother of a 14-year-old high school freshman. “My son (name withheld) has come from looking forward to high school to actually dreading it. He has contemplated making himself sick so that he could miss the first day of school.”
Yet, some parents actually welcomed the school year’s resolutions, such as the father of a 16-year-old girl who is the high schools biggest “dummy”, “I actually hope that my daughter gets her act together and is moved up to the proper grade level before the first quarter is over. It upsets me to see her being forced to interact with people who are a year younger than she is and yet, more mature than she is. I have made her resolve to sit in her seat, do her homework, stop making up silly stories, and talking to imaginary friends.”
So is this trend here to stay, or should it go the way of most nineties hit songs? We’ll see a few months from now.
School uniforms required at dumbest performing high school
[Michelob, New Jersey] Michelob High School, one of the dumbest performing high schools in the country, has been required to wear uniforms by the first Lady Michelle Obama, because a visit there during the spring of 2014 left her feeling very unimpressed. She claimed that the food tasted like something a dog had thrown up and was cooked, the chairs looked more like giant slabs of concrete, and even the school’s technological system is still stuck in the 1700s.
But it was the attitude and behavior of the students that angered her so much, with their clothing styles that are still in the nineties and their shoes that had holes in them that prompted her to override the school superintendent’s dress code policy and make the call for all students and teachers at Michelob High School to wear uniforms for this coming year.
As expected, parents and teachers are very angry about her decision, and they believe that Mrs. Obama should just leave them alone. Says a parent of a sophomore who goes to the school in question, “This is completely unfair. My daughter enjoys going to school, and now she is upset because she has to wear a uniform. Whatever did she do to Mrs. Obama to deserve this punishment?”
Mrs. Obama could not be reached in time for comment.
Revised school textbooks to include history of the Piagrarian Empire in America, yet eliminate American Revolution
In what was seen as a very controversial move, the good folks at the infamous textbook factory Crystalbooks Inc have decided to publish an entire section dedicated to the history of the Piagrarian Empire, which was founded in the year 492 by a large group of Piagrari people, which was approximately 1000 years before Christopher Columbus landed in America. The empire, which was located all over what is today known as the United States of America, was well-known for its interesting language system, its religious practices, and the election of a leader by popular voting.
Yet, that empire was overthrown in the American Revolution, which was widely regarded as a very stupid and pointless move. The textbook places most of the blame on the Founding Fathers of America, accusing them of such are atrocities such as slavery, racism, and destroying the empire altogether. Many of the descendants of the Piagrarian people, who are located in small pockets of America, had been calling for their history to be told, claiming that Columbus and his discovery of America is nothing but a lie and that the American Revolution and everything that followed is nothing but a disgrace to America.
Says Malcolm Sutton, the CEO of Crystalbooks, “It is about time that the Piagrarian people have their story told. This ignorance of this part of America’s history is pathetic and stupid and we feel that we owe it to our children to teach the entire full history of America.”
Meanwhile, the supporters of the American Revolution claimed that “the history of the Piagrarian Empire is a fake and is a weak attempt to force a nonwhite point of view upon our children. Our Founding Fathers are great men, and they should be treated as such. The American Revolution was the greatest order for history, and they should not be seen as evil.”
Yet Vance Barrett, a history teacher at Eagle Mountain High in the city of Eagle Mountain Montana, has this to say, “It is a sad day when they choose the actions and the government attempts to decide what we should and should not teach our children. Our children, as well as ourselves, deserve to know the true history of America, and if that means that certain events are viewed as evil by certain nonwhite groups, who are we to question those options?”
Despite the debate over the controversy of this decision, the revised school textbooks will be shipped to middle schools and high schools of America starting in 2015.
And that’s all that I have for this week. Stay tuned for more shocking fake but possibly true news from the Stale Grapes News Network.