Stale Grapes Network Presents “Why is Thanksgiving Still a Thing?”

The First Thanksgiving, painted by Jean Leon G...

The First Thanksgiving, painted by Jean Leon Gerome Ferris (1863–1930). The First Thanksgiving took place in Plymouth in 1621. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Happy Thanksgiving to all those who are American citizens!

Or is it?

Well, I say that we need to take a step back and check our history because I’m confused here:

In 1620, a group of persecuted people decided to cut and run instead of compromising their ways with England. They boarded the Mayflower and ended up not in Virginia, but in a completely different place. Those people suffered and many died because they were not prepared to survive living in their new home.

Yeah, life was fricking rough back in the day.

The next year, an Indian named Samoset found the people wandering around, hopelessly lost. He set them up with his friend Squanto, who taught them how to grow food, build houses and how to survive life in their harsh new environment.

Under Squanto’s guidance, the Pilgrims (the Indians’ code name for the lost Englishmen) thrived, but they realized that they were never going to get to Virginia. But that’s ok, since they had found a better home to live in and no one told them want to do.

Hence, thanksgiving feast.

And the rest was history.

And how do I know this story? Because my mom’s grandpa came from a Pilgrim and one of the Indians from Plymouth, and he still lives there. He’s the one who told me the story that I’m telling you now.

So you know.

With that being in mind, should Thanksgiving still be a thing? Yes, because if it weren’t for the Indians, the Pilgrims would have all died out ages ago. Should we celebrate it? Yes, we should. Is football a part of Thanksgiving? Yes it is.

Now you know.

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Jacquel Rassenworth on Good Friday

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( ) (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well, I know that you’re all asking yourselves “What’s good about Good Friday?”, but hear me out.

As we all know, Good Friday was when Jesus Christ was betrayed and killed.

And as we all know, Jesus was crucified on a huge cross.

But the only good thing about the day known as Good Friday is that Jesus kicked death in the panhandle and took away its sting and its power.

Well, now you know. I’m off until Easter.

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Jacquel Rassenworth on the Tyler Potter story

Well, I (Jacquel Rassenworth) have a few things to say about this “Tyler Potter” character…

I don’t like him. Really, I don’t.

It’s not that I don’t like him, per se, but it’s this story that annoys me. It’s like someone decided to rewrite the Harry Potter story and put TYLER in Harry’s place. Then to make another boy kiss him is just disgusting. I mean, who writes stuff like this? Was it the work of some fangirl, or some gay person? Come on, people! We don’t have time for this!

Sounds like bad fan fiction writing to me.

Anyway, what I want to see is a silly story about Tyler, Marty, and Coco, not a Harry Potter rewrite. The writer of said story should expand upon Tyler and his adventures and throw out anything referring to Hayley Snape, Hogwarts, and other unsavory things.

We don’t want any more Harry Potter stories; the stories that are out there are just dumb and the original books are even stupider. Why would you want me in this mess in the first place when there’s more than enough crap out there?

Jacquel Rassenworth’s letter to Pope Benedict XVI

Pope Benedict XVI during visit to São Paulo, B...

Pope Benedict XVI during visit to São Paulo, Brazil. Italiano: Papa Benedetto XVI durante visita a San Paolo, Brasile. Português: Papa Bento XVI durante visita a São Paulo, Brasil. Česky: Papež Benedikt XVI. během návštěvy brazilského São Paula. Svenska: Påven Benedictus XVI under ett besök i São Paulo, Brasilien. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

To Your Holiness,

I heard that you’re stepping down due to old age. While that’s fine and dandy, when last I heard, no pope has resigned since the year 1413. Plus, I know that popes usually worked until they die.

So, what’s the excuse for your resignation? I already won’t accept the official response to the question, as I assume that they’re trying to speak for you. I’m ashamed to think that someone like you would just throw in the towel, but maybe it’s for the best.

Sincerely,

Jacquel Rassenworth

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