Jacquel Rassenworth on the End of 2014

Hard to believe that 2014 is almost over, right?

Well, we’ve certainly had our ups and downs, and what better way to mark this occasion with me saying something witty, such as this:

So now you know that I have gotten you!

Anyway, I’m getting my blog ready to be available in book form, so you’ll be hearing me talk about everything under the sun.

See you all next year!

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Stale Grapes Network presents “How is Christmas Still a Thing?”

OK, it’s Christmas day, and you’re all asking yourselves “what is Stale Grapes News doing about that?”

Well, I have a solution for that.

It’s called “How is Christmas Still a Thing?”

And here’s my answer:

Dear readers,

Don’t fool yourself for a second that Christmas is about giving gifts, because it’s not. It’s not about receiving gifts either.

It’s about Jesus Christ.

And if you secular -loving fools think for a second that I’m going to go easy on you, you can say hello to the drunk jerkbutt who ran over my mom all those years ago, because that’s where you’re heading.

Also, stop secularizing every Christian holiday with nonsense crape that our kids don’t need; they don’t need some fat guy in a red suit, they need Jesus. Let’s stop lying to our kids, OK?

So if you still think Christmas is a feel-good holiday, you need to get your head examined, preferably by a pastor.

And yes, Christmas is still a thing. Don’t debate with me.

Have a nice Christmas.

Jacquel Rassenworth on the First Day of October

Happy October, everyone! This month, things are really going into gear as I prepare to write out the first volume of this blog. The book will contain every blog post I wrote in 2013, plus some stuff that didn’t make it onto my blog. Look for it it happen around Christmas.

Also, prepare for a few rounds of Stale Grapes News. Making up fake news is so addiction, it’s even better than fan fiction. I’ll be poking fun at everything, so nothing is off limits.

Well, I’m out, so don’t forget to check out my Facebook, Twitter, and Tumblr pages.

Jacquel Rassenworth on the Last Day of 2013

New Years Eve 2011 London

New Years Eve 2011 London (Photo credit: Sean MacEntee)

Can you believe how fast 2013 has gone by? Me neither! I know that in a matter of a few hours, we’ll be saying goodbye to 2013 and ringing in the New Year of 2014.

But that doesn’t mean that I won’t be wrapping anything up.

Look for my blog post on everything 2013-related to come out soon, and come celebrate New Years Eve with me on my Facebook page and Tumblr. I’ll have what was good (and bad, mostly bad) things about 2013.

See you soon!

Jacquel Rassenworth on After Christmas

The Eleventh Doctor and Amy Pond

The Eleventh Doctor and Amy Pond (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Happy After Christmas Day, everyone!

Here’s what happened yesterday:

After I pulled the mother of all pranks on Laurette, I escaped to Abuela’s house and spent the rest of the day there helping her set up her computer. I figured that I needed to start out the way, as Laurette wanted to murder me because of my prank and her parents refused to control her. I can’t wait until I go to college next year and can get away from the family for a while.

Also, I saw the Doctor Who Christmas Special and I’m very sad to see Matt Smith go. I really liked him as the Doctor.

Anyway, dad’s coming to get me so we can do some make-up shopping (because after the prank, dad had to hide all my Christmas presents so that no one can get their hands on them) and then go to the movies with Maddy and Shara. Can’t believe they went to see 47 Ronan without me!

Well, I’m out.

Jacquel Rassenworth on Christmas

Happy Christmas, painted by Johansen Viggo

Happy Christmas, painted by Johansen Viggo (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Merry Christmas, everyone!

To start, I played the granddaddy of all bad tricks on Laurette. To recap, Laurette had gotten me sick over Thanksgiving and I decided that enough was enough. Laurette needed to be punished for her deed.

Laurette hates One Direction, but she loves Justin Bieber. So, for the prank, I replaced all her Christmas gifts with everything One Direction and hid her real gifts in a place where she would never be able to find them.

Well, let’s say that she threw a fit. She is very dim-witted when it comes to jokes and pranks.

Anyway, the other kids laughed at Laurette’s situation and Uncle Laurence took me aside and told me that that was very rude of me to play that prank on Laurette and I should apologize to her and give her her real presents. I told him right to his face that she could have her gifts when the Golden Gate Bridge broke apart and falls into the San Francisco Bay. Dad overheard and told Uncle Laurence that LAURETTE needed to apologize to ME because I had to miss school because I got sick.

Well, guess who won that round?

Anyway, I’m now hiding in my room to avoid Laurette and her parents, hoping that this incident will blow over quickly. Well, I better go back downstairs and open my gifts, which I have to do part two of my Christmas prank.

Anyway, Merry Christmas, everyone!

Jacquel Rassenworth on Christmas Eve

traditional Christmas Eve supper in Poland - d...

traditional Christmas Eve supper in Poland – dishes (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

OK, now that I’ve calmed down and got over my anti-Jamie rant, I can safely say that dad isn’t too happy about me having to travel from Sacramento to San Francisco by myself. I wonder if my adventures in Forks is going to end because of this incident.

Also, I’m not speaking to Laurette because of me getting the stomach flu and having to miss school, so she’s not getting ANYTHING from me. Plus, I’m giving her gifts to someone else in front of her. That’ll teach her not to t take care of herself and make others sick because of her poor personal hygiene. (I know that Uncle Laurence won’t be too happy with my punishment, but someone needs to tell him that his daughter’s behavior is unacceptable and it will NOT be tolerated by anyone.)

Speaking of which, I think I’ll turn this blog into a book and sell it on Amazon.com. Now that 2013 is winding down, I have a few more things that I want to talk about and some of those things aren’t on my blog. (I’ll get to that eventually!)

Well, I’m going to go get ready to hide in the movie theaters for Christmas, because when Laurette finds out that I gave away her gifts to me (for the seventh year in a row) to some charity, it’s not best for me to take any chances.

Jacquel Rassenworth on the First Day of Winter

Spectacular San Francisco Famous Downtown Land...

Spectacular San Francisco Famous Downtown Landmarks Cityscape (Photo credit: davidyuweb)

As we all know, the Stark family has the words “Winter is Coming“. And as such, today is the first day of winter.

Right now, it’s cold, wet, and rainy in Forks. Because of that, we’re heading back to my hometown of San Francisco, California. That makes me happy more than anything else in the world right now. I don’t know why I hadn’t been to San Francisco since July, but who knows?

Anyway, now that it’s winter, I’m packing up and heading home for the next few weeks, since the rest of the family is visiting relatives who aren’t related to me. I’ve now figured out the punishment for Laurette; I’m not going to reveal it until Christmas Eve.

OK, now I have to pack up and get to the airport so I don’t miss my flight. I’ll be back with another blog post on Christmas Eve.

Jacquel Rassenworth on Friday the 13th…again!

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Once again, Friday the 13th is here, and I’m not too happy about that. I now have to spend another three days in bed thanks to an unexpected relapse, and now, I’m not giving Laurette ANYTHING for Christmas! She will learn to NEVER MESS WITH JACQUEL RASSENWORTH!!!

Anyway, now I have to deal with another round of bad luck…again!

Jacquel Rassenworth on the Final Day of Hanukkah

English: Hanukkah menorah, known also as Hanuk...

English: Hanukkah menorah, known also as Hanukiah. Česky: Chanukový svícen chanukija (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well, eight days of Hanukkah have come and passed and I’m amassing the eight days worth of gifts that I got but never asked for. (I have Christmas for that!)

Also, now that Hanukkah is over, I am now free to force myself to recover from this stomach flu long enough to go back to school. I need to be in class, not home sick. Surely Laurette Rassenworth will understand that, if nothing else.

Anyway, now that Hanukkah is finally over and done, I have one more video just to shake things up to the core: The Chanukah Song (Part 3)

See you all later with the next blog post!