Jacquel Rassenworth on Christmas 2014

Cover of the cassette edition of Nicol William...

Cover of the cassette edition of Nicol Williamson’s dramatization of The Hobbit featuring the illustration Bilbo Comes to the Huts of the Raftelves by J. R. R. Tolkien (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Once again, it’s Christmas. and this time, we all went to the movies, where I forced everyone but Laurette to watch “Battle of the Five Armies” with me. I’m sure that scores of people were screaming and crying throughout the whole thing, with one of my younger cousins planning to sue Peter Jackson for killing Kili and not letting him hook up with Tauriel.

Wow. how witty are our kids today! (Plus I’m going out on a limb and going to state the obvious: Bilbo Baggins and Thorin Oakenshield were totally a couple and Bilbo probably married him before he went crazy and then got himself killed by stupid Azog. which is now why Bilbo never remarried at all or had children.

He was a widow. Now you know!)

Anyway, I’m not listing my gifts, but everything I got seemed to relate to the Hobbit movies. Nice going, dudes!

I’ll be back with more real soon.

Jacquel Rassenworth on the 2013 Entertainment Review

LEGO Marvel Super Heroes "Thor: The Dark ...

LEGO Marvel Super Heroes “Thor: The Dark World” poster (Photo credit: TooMuchDew)

My real-life counterpart has compiled this entertainment review, so here’s my spin on it:

Best movies:

  1. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
  2. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
  3. Star Trek: Into Darkness
  4. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2 (because if you can’t laugh at a joke about leeks, you can’t watch this movie!)
  5. Man of Steel
  6. Turbo
  7. Epic
  8. Thor: The Dark World
  9. Iron Man 3

My opinion: I agree with all but #6. Sorry, Claire, but snails racing just doesn’t cut it for me

Worst Movies:

  1. Warm Bodies
  2. The Lone Ranger
  3. Monsters University
  4. Despicable Me 2
  5. Grown Ups 2
  6. Planes
  7. The Croods
  8. Free Birds

My opinion: Somehow, I wonder if she has lost faith in the animated movies.

—–

Best books to read:

  1. The House of Hades
  2. The Divergent Trilogy
  3. The Fault in Our Stars
  4. Gone Girl
  5. The Ocean at the End of the Lane
  6. The Great Gatsby
  7. The Perks of Being a Wallflower
  8. Inferno
  9. World War Z
  10. The Hunger Games Trilogy

My opinion: Does she even read?

The book written by me that I have been touting all year:

  • Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever!

My opinion: I cannot see myself reading this book. It’s tasteless and boring. Plus, there is no magic in this book.

—–

Pop Culture

  1. 50th Anniversary of Doctor Who
  2. The Harlem Shake
  3. Grumpy Cat
  4. Duck Dynasty
  5. Google Glass
  6. “Selfies”
  7. “Twerking”
  8. Sharknado (don’t ask)
  9. Cool Ranch Tacos
  10. Rainbow loom bracelets

My opinion: Look for a blog post regarding seven of these things. I already did a blog post on Doctor Who.

—–

Out of everyone, I say that these people had had a great year. They are as follows:

  1. Lady Gaga: Congrats on making the fourth year on my list.
  2. Peter Jackson
  3. Pope Francis I
  4. Jennifer Lawrence
  5. Phil Robertson

Honorable mention: Ben Affleck (because he’s now the “old damn Batman”)

My opinion: Please take Lady Gaga off this list. She doesn’t do anything good, and she’s as useful as a soaking wet paper bag. #3 deserves the top spot. That is all.

—–

And yet, some of us weren’t so lucky. Those on my Wall of Shame in 2013:

  1. Miley Cyrus: Miley, we know you love to twerk, but please stop!!!
  2. Lamar Odom: How dare you break the heart of Khloe Kardashian!
  3. Paula Deen: Her racist ways cost her EVERYTHING!!

My opinion: #1, go to rehab. #2, shame on you. #3, give away your entire fortune to some Black people. We don’t got no time for that!

—–

Songs of the Year

  1. Robin Thicke‘s Blurred Lines
  2. Thrift Shop and Can’t Hold Us – Mackemore & Ryan Lewis
  3. Get Lucky – Daft Punk
  4. Justin Timberlake‘s album
  5. Reunited Backstreet Boys, New Kids on the Block, 98 Degrees, and BoyzIIMen

My opinion: Uh, what’s with #6? And where’s Ylvis’s “What Does the Fox Say”???

—–

Big Events: And some big events for all of us to NEVER forget…

  1. Kanye West vs. Jimmy Kimmel
  2. Argo wins an Oscar
  3. Baby Prince George, son of Prince William and Kate Middleton (newest heir to the throne)
  4. Boston Marathon bombing
  5. Diana Nyad‘s swim
  6. sign up for Obamacare

My opinion: #1 was just flat-out funny, but they patched things up. #2, why should I care? #6, poor dad still can’t sign up.

—–

And now for a list of things I just didn’t like this year:

  1. Glee (still can’t stand the show!)
  2. family friendly movies (are they even necessary anymore?)
  3. Goyte’s Somebody That I Used to Know (WORST BREAKUP SONG EVER!!!)

My opinion: #1 needs to go, go away! #2 needs to take a break. #3 never should have been created at all.

—–

Yeah, we never saw this coming…

  1. Ylvis’ What Does the Fox Say
  2. Government shut down
  3. Teen Beach Movie
  4. Jonas Brothers pull the plug on their tour
  5. 30 Rock ends snowglobe style
  6. Google Glass
  7. Ben Affleck as Batman
  8. Benedict Cumberbatch as Smaug (we all knew that he was Smaug, but this was just too much!)

My opinion: Why are the Jonas brothers even being mentioned? I hate them and I wish they would just go away. Who enlightened the end of 30 Rock? What the heck is Teen Beach Movie??? And lastly, frick! Smaug still scares the crap out of me!Thank you God, Peter Jackson, and Benedict Cumberbatch!

—–
And yes, we have to say goodbye to some notable people who decided to leave us in 2013. And some of them are on this list:

  1. Nelson Mandela
  2. Film Critic Robert Ebert
  3. James Gandolfini
  4. Cory Monteith a.k.a. Finn from “Glee”
  5. Mindy McCready
  6. Annette Funicello (Mouseketteer)
  7. Richie Havens
  8. David Cassidy
  9. Tom Clancy
  10. Paul Walker
  11. Margaret Thatcher
  12. Everyone killed at the Red Wedding on “Game of Thrones
  13. People who were killed during the Boston Marathon bombing
  14. And as always, the brave soldiers who died defending our country and everything it stood for.

My opinion: #1 deserved the top stop. Can’t believe that #3, #4, #10 are gone. And why was #12 mentioned? These are characters from a fictional story, NOT real people. Let’s quit living in your imaginary world and get in the real world, Claire!

—–

Anyway, that’s what I think of 2013. Now prepare for the second edition of the Dummy Awards, where I (once again) present the Dummy Award to the movies and actors who I think are very dumb to do whatever movie they did in 2013. Here we go!

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Jacquel Rassenworth on December

Smaug as he appears in the animated film.

Smaug as he appears in the animated film. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Well, here we are at the month of December, which is the most disagreeable month out of the year. (My real-life counterpart was born in December, and I can’t stand her at all!)

Why is it that I’m not fond of December? Sure, it’s Christmastime there, but is that all it’s cracked up to be? (Just wait until I start talking about Christmas in the coming weeks—you’ll love it!) I know that I’m Jewish, but should Jews celebrate Christmas?

I’ll get back to that later.

OK, so Matt begged me to watch Frozen with him, but we ended up watching Catching Fire instead. But I’m really looking forward to the new Hobbit movie, appropriately called The Desolation of Smaug. I already know that it’s going to be good, and even so with the voice of Benedict Cumberbatch as Smaug. His voice gives me chills!

Also, there is Vampire Academy, which Sasha has been reading and begged me to read for two years now. OK, Sasha, you win. I’ll start reading the books…as soon as I get done with Beautiful Creatures and Divergent.

OK, I’ve kept you all awake for far too long, so look for my next Hanukkah post in a few hours.